Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sex and the City 2: An Extremely Concise Plot Summary With Spoilers And An Editorial

In the much-awaited sequel to "Sex and the City 1," we follow our beloved middle aged protagonists from their midlife crises (marriage related of course) in New York City all the way to Abu Dhabi (first class aboard a fancy-shmancy private airline, obviously), where they are to receive a week's worth of paid-in-full luxury R&R as some kind of PR stunt to a sheik Samantha meets at the afterparty of her hot ex's movie premier. Oh and before I forget, the movie begins with a fabulous gay wedding where Liza Minnelli sings and dances "Single Girls" by Beyonce.

Anyway Abu Dhabi = the "new" Middle East according to Samantha! They are greeted by some brown man in a white nightgown at the Abu Dhabi airport and receive four privately chauffeured cars. Their hotel is pretty much a gay replica of the Taj Mahal and the "Jewel Suite" where they stay costs $22,000 a night. They have four personal servants, one of whom is named Abdul and is a faggot, and Carrie the horse-human hybrid has a moment of bonding with hers, who is a man named Gauran from India who sees his wife a couple times a year because he is an indentured servant employed by the oil-swilling man pigs in UAE.

Anyway, Carrie is buying shoes for OMGZZZZ $20 WTF CHEAP at a souk (did you know "souk" means "street market?") one day and as the official call to prayer sounds throughout the town, she just happens to run into her old flame who seems like a bit of an uncultured hillbilly - a far cry from "Mr. Big" who calls her "kid" because he thinks he is Humphrey Bogart or Clark Gable, and is really tall - of course old flame (Aiden) is really tall and generally wide as well - anyway he invites her to dinner and after reading a scathing review of her latest book in the "New Yorker" in which it is insinuated she needs to tape her mouth shut (should have been the nose, or the entire face), she says "fuck it" and puts on kohl eyeliner she bought at the souk (market) and a sexy dress and goes to meet Aiden at HIS hotel. Charlotte (the prude goodygoody one who needs to get punched) in an act of soothsaying says "You're playing with fire," and Carrie fires back "look bitch just because you're insecure about your marriage..." and away she goes.

Charlotte and Miranda (the ginger) talk about how hard it is to be a mother, and this scene is intended to get the audience members who are stupid enough to have reproduced to nod at each other and go "UH HUH" with enthusiasm. Samantha puts yams on her face because customs stole her creams (she is obsessed with aging, which is understandable for a white woman of her age) in a bathtub.

By the by, they went on a camel ride together in the desert and Samantha saw a hot Danish architect riding his jeep around like Napoleon Dynamite's grandma (she also makes a really gross pun about labia in a sexual way) and LO, turns out he is at the same hotel - one night at a fabulous karaoke bash after singing "I AM WOMAN" as a quartet, Samantha arranged a hot date with Danish architect but DID NOT BLOW OFF HER FRIENDS WOAH GIRLFRIENDS FOREVER, HEY GUYS WE ARE SOULMATES.

Anyway while Samantha chills with yams and Charlotte and Miranda whine about their kids, Carrie and Aiden have a fantastic dinner and accidentally kiss for like two seconds. Carrie goes running back to the hotel and disrupts everyone's evening to tell them she kissed Aiden, and they all tell her not to call Mr. Big right away and to sleep on it but she ignores them and at 2:30 am calls him and says she kissed Aiden. Instead of reacting, he says "I'm at work, gotta go" and then Samantha calls and says she has been arrested for making out with Danish guy on a beach (after deep throating a hookah pipe and they show his boner) because some outraged conservative man reported them to security. They all rescue her or whatever, and then the front desk calls as soon as they walk in the door - the sheik has pulled out of the deal, leaving them on their own at $22,000 a night in just one hour.

Frantic packing ensues, and they all freak out and whine and moan about the possibility of having to fly COACH home. Carrie left her passport at the souk (market) and the nice man there saved it for her. Meanwhile Samantha is wearing shorts as a "fuck you" to the people of Abu Dhabi, and during a scuffle with some scammers her purse breaks and she scrambles to pick up the contents off the ground. At this point her boobs are hanging out and a bunch of sand nigger terrorist pigs are crowded around her getting outraged. Condoms are among her belongings and in a fit of menopausal fury and fervor she waves them around screaming "CONDOMS! I HAVE SEX! I HAVE SEX!" and it becomes a huge ordeal. Some mysterious figures in niqabs invite them into the women's chambers and they all de-hijab and HEY they're all dressed in the latest high-end designer fashions, because Gulf Arabs are goddamn rich as fuck. They escape from the angry mob outside by borrowing some niqabs and Carrie shows her leg to hail a cab and they fly back to New York first class of course.

Mr. Big comes home and is pissy for about 5 minutes but forgives Carrie for kissing Aiden because they are married (?). For her punishment, he has bought her a black diamond ring to wear since she is not interested in diamonds, and makes her say "I will not kiss anyone but my husband" and everybody is happy.

This stinking piece of shit, devoid of plot or any real character development, was great fun. Seeing it once in the theater was perfect. Reaffirmed my non-desire to marry or have kids.

The End!


  1. I was going to go see this in the theater, but then I remembered that I would rather drive stainless steel knitting needles through my eyes than have to sit through it.

    I'm such a hater.

  2. oh god it sounds awful. i remember trying to watch the first one when I was really, really stoned and I was convinced they were speaking another language and perhaps living in another world because WHO LIVES LIKE THAT, REALLY? The whole movie made no sense and made me want to shoot things.


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