Monday, July 5, 2010

Cat People vs. Dog People

Generally speaking, dog people place a lot of value on home, the family, and pooping where you are not supposed to poop. They listened to "Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick a few too many times in their youth and are convinced that even though they have like 12 human saplings already, they need a Peter Pan dependent in their home - something that will never, ever grow out of the drooling, floor-shitting and inconvenient noisemaking characteristic of babies and just-barely-higher-than-vegetables adults. What better to fill this role than a dog who is bred specifically not to bite children who may pull its ears? How about one of the "Family Friendly" breeds with floppy ears: Golden Retrievers, Yellow Labradors, Chocolate Labradors, or any combination of those?

I've been a cat person since day one and I have observed throughout the years that dog lovers are often red-blooded Americans who resemble the disgusting hambeasts in my "MILFs of America" post and drive Dodge Caravans with "I LOVE MY YELLOW LABRADOR" bumper stickers on the back. Dog lovers tend to resemble their beasts of choice: loyal, conservative, and a little bit retarded. They are well suited to careers in sped handling, early childhood education and other jobs that involve lots of care with little to no progress. Their arguments against cats are that cats are cool and moody - why have a pet cat when you can have a dog who humps you fiercely the moment you walk in the door? Some dog people engage in behavior that straddles the line between "affection" and "bestiality;" letting their dogs lick them on the mouth like it's not gross. Also, and this is a big one, 9.9/10 adults who use the baby talk voice to interact with eight year olds are dog people. I don't even need to provide evidence because you know I'm right.

I like dogs better than children for sure, but I would never date someone who likes dogs better than cats. Sorry, I have standards.


  1. God bless you.

    Your awesomeness knows no bounds.

  2. C'mon now! You are lumping me in with people I dislike and I'm a dog person. Always have been. I like cats too, but I'm so allergic to them that if I get within a foot of one, my face explodes with snot and other gross reactions.

  3. Special exceptions for people with allergies/people I already like, Danica! ;)

  4. and I agree with the first statement. Your awesomeness has no bounds.

  5. Cats for life! I have never had one because my dad is allergic and my mom has OCD. My dad also referred to me as 'El Gato' growing up since I had distinctly cat-like characteristics: sleep past noon, eat, lounge around some more, eat, then shun everyone unless I wanted attention. I cannot wait to get a bigger apt so I can be the crazy cat lady until I die.

  6. Aw I like both. I grew up with a family-friendly black Lab who was honestly wonderful and brought a lot of joy into my childhood. My parents were both Woodstock hippies so I don't think they are the traditional dog people. (Although our dog was a child substitute.) As a single chick living in NYC I got a cat, who I'm obsessed with and miss so much (she is with my parents now.)


What's up?