Friday, February 13, 2009

off-season typhoon

It's unseasonably windy today, and also really warm. The first warm day after winter (or in the middle of winter) always has a catnip-like effect on me. Exacerbated of course by having watched the goofy skinny kid shove an entire baked good in his mouth in the seconds preceding class. He always seems to be in a hurry to eat right before the period starts, and he always makes eye contact with me while he unhinges his jaw and inserts approximately six or seven mouthfuls of carbs into his face at once. I couldn't stop laughing for a while back there but now I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die. What's happening? Lately I have been like the emotional Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, but with no mass murder, muscular twelve year old boys in short shorts, or mustachioed dictator.

I wonder if I could grow a mustache if I took some kind of masculine growth hormone. Would my weight shift itself around to distribute in a manlier way? My genitals deform into the phallic beast featured in "One Night in Chyna?" What if I underwent female sex-change surgery as a person who is already female? It would probably just make me really sick, but maybe I'd actually start to look post-pubescent? Greg says I look 15 and I feel complimented in the highest order. The fountain of youth complex has hit me at a rather young age. I sometimes flirt with the idea of wearing clothing that is marketed toward high school students. Like septagenarians who wear leopard print bikinis to the beach and look young and tempting from the back, I could be every pedophile's worst disappointment. But it's not pedophilia if you go for girls who have hit puberty, really. Older women are just jealous when their husbands eyeball 19-year-olds at the bar because they'll never get that youth back. Same goes for fat chicks who say a healthy athletic girl needs to eat a sandwich. You're all jealous. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to look acceptable...I might as well just eat tons and tons of fried food and become huge and massive. At least I got all those extra cheese tutumiage sticks in there when I was still alive, young, and with all my teeth...

Do most people's minds wander this much when they are faced with hours of idle time every day? It could be the coffee. I want to write the next "Naked Lunch!"


  1. Some people really do need to eat a sandwich, though. Not the healthy athletic ones...just the ones who, you know, need to eat a sandwich. Oh, I make lots of sense.


  2. ONE NIGHT IN CHYNA. The morbid part of me (the greater part of me) kind of wants to see that.

    Yes. We are all just jealous. Kind of like how I make fun of emo kid hair D: YEAH OKAY, I *DO* LIKE IT, THERE I SAID IT. The kids themselves are still jackoffs however.


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